I had a wonderful mother's day round here. We were up early, got to early church (only 5 minutes late, yes!) and the kiddos drew me some cards. My gift was a day all to myself on Saturday so I got up, went to early yoga, tried to work a little at starbucks and then went and got a pedicure. My feet are so happy! Ive only had about 5 pedicures my whole life so they are definitely a treat. And I put justin in charge of all food Sunday which means we ate out for every meal but breakfast. my husband is actually a great cook but if you give him the option, he will choose to eat out as much as possible.
But if Im being honest, something was very off this Mother's Day. I couldnt quite help but be a little sad. And the sadness that surrounded me had nothing to do with me. I am blessed to be the mommy to two wonderful babies. I love them dearly and they bring so much joy and happiness to my life. They are funny and cute and smart and also awnry as heck. And i cant imagine my life without them. Actually i can, and its scary. Its not something i want to imagine for long.
Yesterday's sadness was brought on by lots of things. I have 3 friends who are suffering from infertility right now. One of the couples lost two babies early in their marriage and they havent been able to get pregnant since. They are trying to adopt as well. Two other friends have similiar medical conditions and both have been trying for years. All three women I know and love dearly and i cant imagine three women who would make better moms. All day long, my friends kept popping into my heads and once again i would say another prayer for them. i pray this is the last mothers day that they have empty arms.
I grieve for them because i know yesterday was probably one of the hardest holidays they have to go through. And partly i ached for them because i remember the ache of empty arms on mothers day. I remember the mothers day 4 years ago that my sister in law called to tell us they were pregnant. And while I was happy for them, I couldnt help but bawl for many hours that day. Thankfully, by the next mothers day, I had a sweet little bean (ian reed) baking in my belly. That was before we knew there were problems and all was still perfectly joyful and rosy. The next mothers day, we had made it through all the scary and again I was baking a little cupcake (rylin grace) and so happy to have gotten pregnant by surprise! no planning, no calculating, no temperatures and tests. just a great surprise on a random morning.
And yesterday was hard because i know my mom was hurting. This is her first mothers day without her mom. If grandma were still here, we would have all gotten together, had a cookout and enjoyed each others company. There would have been way too much good food, lots of craziness and laughter and lots of love. While we can still have all of those things, our family will never be the same without grandma. And Mother's Day will probably never be the same again for my mom. And that sucks for her. And also it sucks knowing that one day, that will be me grieving my first mothers day without my mom. I pray that i am very old and gray by the time that comes around.
And partly i was sad because I am missing my family in southern illinois. This is the time of year that everyone starts having cookouts and get togethers and everyone goes camping. and my little family will not be a part of it since we have moved away. Of course we are always welcome, but we cant drive to effingham every weekend for every get together.
And then on top of that, I know some mommas who are grieving a much greater loss. The loss of a child. For some moms, this is the first Mother's Day without one of their kids. Or like another friend, maybe mothers day happened to fall on the same day as her daughters third birthday. What should have been an extra special day just brought extra pain this year. Sadly, she never got to celebrate any birthdays here on earth with her daughter except her actual day of birth. And yet, she has many daughters here to celebrate with. What a hard mixture of joy and sorry yesterday must have brought her. Or how about the family member who lost her newborn baby girl decades ago but the ache is still there. Does a mother every get over that loss? I really dont think so.
And then there are the moms who are just grieved for their children. Their children are still here but perhaps they have walked away from the family, have walked away from God, or have made such poor life decisions that it has cost them dearly. There is the mom whose son suffers from severe mental illness and she never knows if he will do something drastic. There is the mom whose daughter has made serious life choices that will follow her the rest of her life. there is the family getting a divorce. or a child, no matter the age, that has an deadly illness.
as moms, we carry so much of our children with us. and once you are a mom, you see the world through a different lens. you see a world that is full of wondor, excitement, and the opportunity to discover new things (like through the eyes of a toddler), but you also see a world that has the capacity to seriously hurt, damage, or even take your child away. you want to protect them, but you want to let them experience life as well. you want to keep them from making bad choices but you have to let them learn from their mistakes. you wish you could just keep them under your protective wing for always but little by little you have to let them fly a little farther away each day.
being a mom is the hardest job ive ever done. and every day i wish i was doing it better. and everyday i ask the good Lord to forgive me for my failures that day and to give me the strength to try again tomorrow, to do better tomorrow.
it is the hardest job in the world. but i have to say it is also the best.
to ian and rylin: thank you for all of the sweet joy you bring into my life. thank you for the sticky kisses, the big squeeze hugs, the jelly covered fingers getting my shirt dirty. thank you for the endless messes, the tantrums, the talking back & screaming, the sheer awnryness that you both bring to our daily lives. thank you for the hundreds of times ive had to sweep the mess off the kitchen floor, the million loads of laundry and the thousands of diaper changes. thank you for the countless sweet snuggles, cute grins and giggle, and the sweet moments of reading books, saying prayers and rocking you to sleep. you are my joy in this world and i am so lucky to be your momma. thank you Lord for trusting me with these precious gifts.
to my mom: thank you for everything. i never knew how much you did and sacrificed until i became a mom. i took you for granted, sassed and talked back way to much. gave you too much grief. ive been ungrateful, selfish, stubborn, and downright rude to you way too many times before. and as i get older, i appreciate you so much more each day. thank you for all of the love, the sacrifices, the tough love, and the shoulder to cry on when i needed it. thank you for being a wonderful mimi to my children. they love you so much.
to my mother in law, kim: thank you for being a wonderful second mom to me. and thank you for raising such a wonderful son. i know you are always there for me and will love me no matter how strange my introversion is, and how different i am from your own daughters. you are such a wonderful mentor and guide. and you are the best nana my kids could ask for. they love you so much.
i didnt take a single picture on my phone on mothers day, so pics will have to wait until i upload them from my camera.
